LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ONE OF MY FAVORITE TV SHOWS: HBO’S “INSECURE.”
I absolutely love HBO’s Insecure from writer, director, and producer, Issa Rae. Like really, I do. After Better Call Saul and Breaking Bad, it’s probably the one show that I’ve seen more times than I can count. This show has a warmth and familiarity that keeps me coming back for more; its characters are quirky, flawed, and relatable and their struggles are everyday struggles. It’s my comfort show ( God bless Issa Rae for this show, truly, she deserves all the success from it. )
Seeing Issa Dee (the main protagonist of the show) navigate the intricacies of adult life, such as sex, romantic partnerships, paying bills, and trying to navigate the struggle of living in pursuit of her dreams is something deeply relatable for any millennial winging this life thing with no clue of how to get it right. On some days, I get those eureka moments that often seem like I have it figured out, and on other days, I find myself dropping the ball be it in my job, friendships, or romantic relationships just like Issa.
And just like Issa, I’m glad I have close friends by my side to help me navigate this life thing; which makes it so much easier, as I couldn’t possibly do this life thing by myself. Or at least not as effectively as I do now lol.
I revisit a lot of my favorite episodes of this show through different stages of mental and emotional states. Sometimes I just want a good laugh, other times to self-soothe when I’m really stressed or going through a depressive episode. There’s one episode In particular that I always keep finding myself coming back to the most: S4 Ep8: “Lowkey Happy.” Written by Natasha Rothwell who plays a character named Kelli on the show. This is in my opinion arguably the best Insecure episode, and there are a lot of amazing Insecure episodes (Especially in S2, which is in my opinion the best season,) but this one exceeds them all.
Lowkey Happy sees Issa going on a date with her ex, Lawrence, where they muse over aspects of their 5-year relationship, good and bad; as they try to gauge their current feelings and perceptions of one another in hopes of maybe building a platonic relationship or reconnecting and exploring more.
This episode follows Issa and Lawrence through different stages of their “date night," as they first start out in a noisy and overcrowded bar, which they ditch for a nice restaurant that Issa previously visited with a hookup. The best part of the night is an art walk downtown, where the two share some of the best moments of the episode: playing a fun game that involves some wordplay as well as exploring different works of art, before ending the night at Lawrences' new apartment, where Issa ends up staying the night after telling Lawrence she doesn’t want the night to end just as Lawrence was about to call it a night when he tells Issa her cabbie might get upset if she makes him wait too long.
It’s all this: the beautiful writing, wardrobe styling, cinematography, lighting, and color grading that make this episode so memorable and magical. There’s great chemistry between actors Issa Rae and Jay Ellis that brings out the full extent of the love and friendship between their characters, who despite having gone their separate ways and done life without each other for a time; are still incredibly connected and fond of each other; and every time I see this, I can’t help but want it for myself; something I know a lot of people can relate to but are probably just too afraid to admit. (Seriously, kudos to every single person that worked on bringing this amazing show and episode to life, cause what y’all did on “Low-key Happy" can’t be undone. This episode is a masterpiece.)
I know closure can sometimes be a scam and that in the real world, things don’t play out like a TV show or the movies, but I still can’t help but long to be Lawrence, and that Issa, could be my ex; sitting across from me at a restaurant, making jokes, asking each other questions, unpacking the many different aspects of our relationship: The things that made us work and the things that didn’t; before heading out to an art gallery and ending up back at either one of us’ place, where we’d drop the act, come clean about how much we’ve missed each other before dropping our clothes to the floor and navigating the familiar parts of each other’s bodies with our lips, tongues and fingers. What would happen after this, I couldn’t possibly predict. But it’s something I’d want in a way that goes beyond it just being a “what if" or closure fuck.
I know this episode isn’t realistic, and it sells a lot of dreams, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting “this,” with this specific person that I’d call my Issa. And even though the show is ongoing (at the time of my writing this) we don’t know how things end for Issa and Lawrence. I can’t help but hope it all pans out for them despite everything they’ve gone through together and apart. If they can find their way back to each other, why can’t we ( my ex and I) do the same? Why can’t we get our beautiful TV episode?
To tell you the truth, my ex and I didn’t end on a devastating note. Quite the contrary — just a bunch of life stuff that came in between. And we did come together even after we called it, but I have to respect her decision for us not being together; yet I can’t help but long for this thing, this possible romance that lies on the other side if only given a chance.
I see lots of people still friends or at least cordial with their exes, and me and mine do have a decent-ish relationship. We’re incredibly close. But romantically, we are strangers. Wish we could just drop the act. Why can’t we be lowkey happy? I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me it does. I’m literally writing about someone who moved on from a version of an “us.” It’s been some time now since it happened, and all we ever do is dance around each other all the while possessing an undeniable love and affection for each other. Time has passed and we’ve both seen other people, slept with other people, and done a whole lot of life along the way and are now probably too different to recognize the people we used to be to and for each other to think it could work out. Maybe we are too different now to gravitate towards each other.
Even though I might not get my Lowkey happy episode, I remain eternally grateful that I know what it’s like to feel Highkey happy having had a person I could do life with to that magnitude. Our season/show may have ended indefinitely or forever, but I’ll always have my favorite episode: “Highkey Happy." Cause that’s always how I felt when I was with her😊
